in the moment

I am hurt.
I am broken.
I am defeated.

Or at least this is how I feel.

The poster... the promotion... and now the declined placing request... are now piling up on me.

I say this not for sympathy... but for information... because it is only fair to let you know what's going on.

I am in the middle of uncertainty... of doubt... of questioning and its a horrible place to be. I want to be at the other side... I want to be beyond this... I want to have the reassuring certainty that everyone so readily dishes out:

What's for you won't go by you.

and

It wasn't the right time.

I genuinely want that certainty... but it comes with hindsight and I'm not through the pain... and, as such, haven't been awarded such vision.

I'm still questioning:

"Why?" "Why not?" "Why me?" "Why not me?"

I truly hate this uncertainty... because it robs me of all the good and great in my life right now.

I am blinkered.
I am myopic.
I am blinded to that which is successful by that which is unsuccessful... as always the minority spoil it for the majority.
I focus on what I don't have rather than focussing on all that I do.

So please... as you seek to comfort me and others like me... remind me of all that I have in my life and let me work out whether or not it was my time and let me reconcile why it wasn't for me.

And please do not take this as a criticism. I am extremely grateful for all the support I have received. Each message... via phone, text, tweet, FB message, comment, IM and even in person... has reinforced one thing that I do have... I have awesome friends.

Tx