Today

I have to say I love Johnny Cash... some of his songs just capture where I am. I've been listening to Help Me all day. Its where I am at. I am surrounded by uncertainty at my work and this is stressing me out. Too many of my friends have or are moving on from the Project... and I'm feeling lonely... exposed.

I've been proactive recently... trying to make something happen. Today I hooked up with a manager who, if I am honest, did not appreciate the experience I have from being in the organisation for nearly 11 years. He is new blood and he wants new blood. I did not fit his vision for his team. Another door closed shut.

Thing is... I am doing this in my strength. I am holding all this worry inside me... and trying to make something happen. I am compelled to move on... when I have a perfectly good and challenging job to focus on.

If you have been following my story... I took the hard decision to step back from the lead role and focus on design work at the start of the year. I am now in the position where I have this role again... and I am scared.

I know I need to leave my anxieties and fears at the Mercy Seat... but its difficult to let go. I'm proactive... I make things happen... and this clashes with my belief that I am in the Lord's hands. Not because I think the Lord wants us to be totally reactive and passive... but more along the lines of being reluctant to let go... to be patient and bide my time for His will to unfold for my life.

Remove the chains of darkness
Let me see, Lord let me see;
Just where I fit into your master plan.

My prayer is for the chains of despair and uncertainty to be lifted so that I can get a firm view of His plan for my life. I need to rejoice in the Lord as Paul wrote in Philipians:

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him!

Philippians 4: 4 (The Message)

I need to appreciate I am where I am for a reason... and that I do not go in my own strength but in His strength. To this end... my hope is that the Lord will break me so that I can be fixed... so that my arrogance can be transformed into patience and obedience. So that the chains will be lifted.

I never thought I needed help before;
I thought that I could get by - by myself.
Now I know I just can't take it any more.
With a humble heart, on bended knee,
I'm beggin' You, please, Help Me.